I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
