Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
