Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
