Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
