I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
