Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
We have started to decorate penises.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
