Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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