dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
