Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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