Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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