We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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