My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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