do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
This house was built for laser tag.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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