Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
