I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
