Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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