Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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