two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
