called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
