Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
We need a shit load of segways right now
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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