come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
