with your own penis?
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Randomize
