Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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