WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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