Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
