they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
