I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
