Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
