The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
It's blow job season.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
