you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
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