he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
