The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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