you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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