I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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