she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
