Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
