im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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