Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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