I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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