I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
