I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
