Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
