you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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