it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
