I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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