im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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