VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
