I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
