New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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