Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
