i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
