sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
